"Are you guys ready to party?" LeAnn then queries the audience, perkily and rhetorically. Of course they are! Bring on the contestants! And out the contestants come, grinning maniacally from ear to ear--big, blinding smiles straight out of a Crest Whitestrips ad. And why shouldn't they be smiling? These are the few, the proud, the final 10--the ones who bypassed the thousands of tone-deaf William Hung wannabes who audtioned, and have finally made it to this stage tonight.

And now their future rests in the merciful hands of our three judges. First, there's country crooner Phil Vassar, who when he's not touring or recording hit albums can be seen be seen Monday nights on Fox's 24. Seriously, the guy bears an almost eerie resemblance to Kiefer Sutherland--particularly Kiefer Sutherland in Young Guns. Anyway, judge #2 is Nashville record exec Anastasia Brown, who with her Priscilla Presley bouffant and megawatt smile looks like she ought to be up onstage, not sitting on a judging panel (even LeAnn declares her "one of the hottest ladies around"). And finally, judge #3 is Bret Michaels of the Hollywood hair-metal band Poison, who's been training for a country career for some time now, if his ever-revolving, never-ending wardrobe of cowboy hats is anything to judge by. For tonight's special occasion he's donned an especially flashy ten-gallon chapeau, emblazoned with black and red sequin flames. Nice!

All right, enough of those introductions. Like I said two paragraphs ago, it's time to bring on the contestants. Up first is golden girl Casey Simpson, a 19-year-old, heavily lipglossed L.A. native whose rapping skills have earned her the nickname "Ghetto Cowgirl." If she sticks around long enough for the upcoming Nashville Star episode on which Big & Rich and Cowboy Troy are the special guests, there's little doubt they'll welcome her with open arms to their Freak Parade. Unfortunately, tonight she keeps her rapping under wraps, but her likable performance has that sort of vixen-next-door vibe that made Shania a household name, and the judges are suitably impressed. "You nailed it," beams Anastasia. "You got the skills, the will, and the It Factor," Bret concurs from beneath his Bedazzler'd cowboy hat. "You worked that choker!" says Phil, referring to Casey's necklace. Oddly, this is the first of many comments he'll make this evening about a contestant's attire.

While viewers jot down Casey's number for the Burger King "Have It Your Way" voting hotline (sorry, but no, fries do not come with your vote), second contender Jody Evans waits in the wings. Now, Jody is one cool cat: He sounds like Elvis Presley, looks like Elvis Costello, and sounds a little bit like both. A 28-year-old cop from Arkansas who dresses like a 58-year-old cop from Dragnet, this rockabilly greaser kicks out the jams with his big Buddy Holly hollow-bodied guitar, nearly threatening to smash it, Pete Townshend-style, at the end when he breaks a string. Unsurprisingly, recovering rocker Bret Michaels grins in approval. Anastasia is also impressed, offering, "I'd carry your guitar and shine your boots!" Meanwhile, Phil takes a look at Jody's dark undertaker suit and Clark Kent specs and declares, "You look just like my agent!" It's unclear if that's supposed to be a compliment...

Third up is Australian lass Tamika Tyler, a self-described "woman of experience" and a thirtysomething wife and mother who "still has a hunger" to pursue her "deepest desires." (Get your minds out of the gutter, y'all--she's talking about her desire to play music.) After this intro, she emerges onstage in a little black dress (more on that later) and flippy Meg Ryan hairdo. Can you say MILF? Bret and Phil go gooey for her Down Under accent, not to mention her gorgeous singing voice, which is tailor-made for cry-in-your-Fosters-beer ballads. Even Anastasia is a bit smitten, admitting, "If I were a man, I'd propose to you!" But Anastasia ain't feeling Tamika's all-black attire: "Your outfit is not incredible enough for your talent," she offers constructively. Phil is quick to defend the dress, remarking that it does wonders for Tamika's legs, and this debate rages on until Tamika and her controversial dress leave the stage. Perhaps Nashville Star ought to air on the Style Network, at this point!

Our fourth hopeful is Josh Owen, a Texan guitar-slinger who's been performing since age 2, and doesn't look much older than that now--the guy has a baby face straight off a Gerber jar of strained peas. Though he picks a fine (and mature) song, Waylon Jennings' "Are You Sure Hank Done It This Way," Josh's performance is underwhelming. His guitar solo is too short (Phil impatiently critiques, "Come on, I want to see you jam! I'm ready to see you rock!"), and Anastasia tells him he didn't truly connect with the audience. In short, no, I'm actually not sure Hank done it this way...

Someone who definitely did connect with the audience--and did it her way--is Christy McDonald, a record company receptionist who no doubt dreams of quitting her day job. Look up "spunky" in the dictionary and it'll say, "See McDonald, Christy." Turn the page and there'll be a photo of Christy in all her big-haired, gum-cracking, thigh-slapping, self-tanner-slathering glory. Her giggly, boisterous performance tonight smacks a bit of a drunken night out with the gals at the local karaoke hut, but the crowd loves this girl-gone-wild, and so do the judges. Anastasia and Christy's post-performance exchange turns into an outright lovefest. (Anastasia to Christy: "You're so adorable!" Christy to Anastasia: "Well, you're beautiful!") Bret raves, "You make me want to party!" That sounds like high praise, but is it really? I mean, come on--how hard is it to convince Bret Michaels to party? This is, for those of you who don't know, the man behind Poison tunes with such titles as "I Want Action," "Nothin' But A Good Time," and "Unskinny Bop." And if you've seen Poison's debauched Behind The Music episode, you might be asking, "What doesn't make Bret want to party?" But Christy takes his comment as the ultimate compliment and bounces giddily off the stage.

Speaking of partying and giddiness, now, at the halfway mark, comes the moment we've all been waiting for: A behind-the-scenes segment with newly hired special backstage correspondent and comedic genius, Cledus T. Judd! Hooray! This oughta be good. Cledus is resplendent in a Nudie-suit shirt covered in rhinestone flames that perhaps not coincidentally match the flames on Bret's cowboy hat--did Bret and Cledus consult each other before getting dressed tonight? Amusingly, Cledus seems to make a few contestants visibly uncomfortable as he sings the praises of the well-stocked minibars at the official Nashville Star hotel, the Gaylord Opryland resort. Eighteen-year-old contestant Erika Jo Heriges swiftly informs Cledus that she's too young to drink, and then BOOM!--we cut back to the main stage and Cledus's segment is over before it ever really began. Waaaaa! I want more Cledus! He better get more face time next week. This is the guy behind "Did I Shave My Back For This?" and "My Cellmate Thinks I'm Pretty"--show him some respect!

Bringing the proceedings down to earth even more is sixth hopeful Jason Meadows, a real live Oklahoma cowboy--not one of those poser urban cowboys, but one who rides horses and tractors on a daily basis and says "golly" without irony, as shown in his pre-taped introduction footage. This guy is the real deal. He's a genuine hat act--as evidenced by the hat on his head, making him the only person on the show tonight besides Bret Michaels to sport traditional country & western headwear--and his rendition of Merle Haggard's "Workin' Man Blues" has the crowd line-dancing in the aisles. "I'm diggin' it," says Phil Vassar. "You have the It Factor," Bret says again. "I'm not going to ask you to soften your jeans, just your delivery," Anastasia adds, mystifyingly. At least it wasn't Phil making the fashion critiques this time.

Aforementioned underage teetotaler Erika Jo is up next, describing herself as "not your typical 18-year-old. I don't really like to party." Uh-oh...does that mean Bret won't like her? To be honest, Erika could take a lesson from Christy McDonald when it comes to loosening up; I personally find her performance of Julie Roberts' "Break Down Here" a twinge too safe and bland. But Bret, surprisingly, is all thumbs-up. "You got that thing inside your soul," he raves enthusiastically, if somewhat vaguely. Anastasia chooses to quote Eminem in her critique, advising Erika Jo to "lose yourself in the music." Phil merely remarks, "Great." LeAnn then reveals that this squeaky-clean high school senior was actually doing homework backstage before coming on to perform. Hey, LeAnn's stealing Cledus's thunder! Isn't Cledus Nashville Star's "special backstage correspondent"? Why didn't he get that juicy backstage scoop, huh?

Erika Jo heads backstage to work on a book report or something, and out in her place comes contestant #8, Jenny Farrell. Now, Jenny seems to have everything going for her. She's a seasoned performer who's opened for the legendary likes of George Jones, and a total knockout with a killer body and shampoo-commercial hair. Plus, in her intro she wins over the audience as she professes her love for horses, her family, and dogs. (Sheesh, did Tom Petty write "Free Fallin'" about her, too?) But sadly, her confident facade quickly comes crumbling down before the astonished eyes of the judges, LeAnn, and untold millions of TV viewers: Halfway through her song, she gags, indicates an urgent need to pray to the porcelain god, and manages to polite excuse herself before fleeing the stage, hand cupped dramatically over her mouth. Huh? What just happened here? Lest we jump to the conclusion that Jenny has a case of the jitters or that this is some horrible dark secret about how she stays trim enough to shoehorn herself into her skintight jeans, the ever-diplomatic LeAnn hurries onstage and explains that poor Jenny has a very ill-timed case of food poisoning. Everyone is highly sympathetic; the entire audience and all three judges give her a benign round of applause just for having the guts (no pun intended) to get onstage and give it a shot. This is all a bit too nicey-nice and Pollyanna-ish for me, personally. Come on, now, this is the big time here! We're talking the Nashville Star final 10! You can't be one of the 10 lucky finalists and then oh-so unprofessionally quit midsong just because you ate some room-temperature potato salad! You think Simon Cowell would stand for that nonsense? You think Randy Jackson would politely applaud such sissiness? This panel is no better than three Paula Abduls. Where's the tough love? Well, they do things differently in Nashville, I guess, where even talent show judges have good old-fashioned manners, so Jenny will be kept in the competition despite her stomach-turning early exit. We'll have to wait and see if the voters out in TV Land are as sympathetic as the judges.

Music minister Jayron Weaver is next, and clearly he did not eat from the same craft services table as Jenny, because he is calm, cool, and collected as he croons the eternal Lonestar crowd-pleaser "I'm Already There." LeAnn positively swoons. "Every mom in America wants you to date her daughter right now," she tells Jayron. "Well then, send pictures and bank statements!" he quips back without missing a beat, displaying a likably TV-ready sense of humor. The judges are all charmed. Phil exclaims, "Sassy!" Bret once again says Jayron has that elusive "It." (Someone give Bret a new line, please!)

Last up is one of the night's most impressive competitors, a mandolin virtuoso with a heavily moussed boy-band haircut named Justin David. (His haircut isn't named Justin David, that the guy's name--just to clarify.) His "Ring Of Fire" show-closer, complete with fiery mandolin solo, is a clear audience favorite. "Your performance made my toes curl!" gushes Anastasia. This is presumably a good thing.

Phew! And now the season premiere has finally come to an end. Next week we'll get to see another one of LeAnn's knock-'em-dead stage outfits, a performance by special guests Montgomery Gentry, and hopefully a whole lot more of Cledus T. Judd. Oh, yeah--and we'll also see which one of our 10 worthy contestants gets the boot, so to speak. Until then, keep your feet on the ground and keep reaching for the Nashville stars.